2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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