I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
