Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
the condom got lost in my hair
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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