I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
