Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
