Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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