haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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