apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
