He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
