I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
