I could make wine with my vomit
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
