And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
