dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
