I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
