I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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