Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
