OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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