Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
