Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
