I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
