I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
