I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
