Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
