Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
