Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
