if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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