I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
there's paper in my vomit.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
