her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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