you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
