I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I still have a little drunk in my system
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
