You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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