My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
