i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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