just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
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