my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
