The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
