The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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