The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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