Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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