people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Randomize
