Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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