YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Sext me about skeletons
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
