woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
