I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Randomize
