My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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