You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
