Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
