glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
