well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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