I can tuck mytits in my pants
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
