You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
My underwear smells like fireworks.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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