There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
