And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
