i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
