turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
