So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
