but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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