By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
