There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
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then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
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I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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