When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
