I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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