He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
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It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
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Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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