Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
wanna go halves on a baby?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
