at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
