Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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